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Ride Report 16

November 19

Summer is here, although there is no excuse for not having a Spritz at 9:30!
Votes :
3 – The Captain – 2 refusals, Concrete Hill, then the french donut! The world is off its axis!
2 – Mr Wonderful – bike issues again, for fark’s sake
1 – Brad – new rider, new world of pain

12/13 November - TRULY EPIC

Some true epicness this weekend. The votes tell it all.
As for the others – fire up!!!!
Votes :
3 – Fizza – Langkawi Ironman, Carshed over the bars 70km into the bike, somehow finished in 15 hours, true madness from a true athlete.
3 – Archie – 24 hour MTB in Bendigo – 2nd overall, 1st in the masters class in absolute horrific conditions. hardest ride ever he says!
3 – Brendo & J-Cat – 2 days of the 7 Peaks including Mt Hotham in bone shattering conditions. Great work!

5-11-16 Mordy

At last, the farkin’ Ironman training is over
Votes :
3 – Chrisso – the curse of the new jersey, the new wave, couldn’t keep up with the elite poons
2 – Fizza – hopefully this is the last Ironman
1 – KY – overly concerned with Fizza’s lack of training

15-10-16 The Bouly

“All hail The King” – Paul is the master at Pellegrinis
Votes :
3 – Roe – decided that she preferred to watch the rowers at Hawthorn Rowing Club rather than ride the Bouly. She got lost on the Bouly – is that even possible?
2 – Steve – O – successfully broke up the group on home soil – Again!
1 – The Corbett – promised to return to the fold, but didn’t. Still in overseas jamon and beer consuming zone.

8-10-16 Frankston

These knobs think they own the road!
Votes :
3 – Joey – the now knighted “Cut Off King” was at his best upsetting the Beach Road closet wankers 
2 – J- Cat – forced people into the hurt box with his gradual speeding up, until it was frenzied!
1 – Rob – we are lucky to have this pro riding at the front with us. 

1-10-16 The Tradition

Traditional Grand Final ride to Black Rock, and then Hell’s Kitchen, with mulled wine.
Votes :
3 – Roe – crashed at Black Rock, any crash means full votes
2 – Fizza – the disgust shown at Hell’s Kitchen was unwarranted, thought you ordered a cold coffee, and when you say ‘never again’, that means we will be back soon.
1 – Tony – new rider, tradition again, 1st ride means you will be dropped.

30-9-16 The Boulevard

Ben, it’s up to you to keep Team C-Nut tradition going!
Votes :
3 – Joe – nearly caused a pile up 2 minutes into the ride!
2 – Ben – he understands he will need a bigger bike very soon, and it needs to be top of the range! Gonna be a strong rider.
1 – Stevie O – a slight detour meant that we all split up, not knowing where the fark anyone was!!!

24-9-16 Frankston

Farken tough conditions – a long one for Fizza’s Ironman training
Votes : 
3 – Rob – magnificent team riding taking most of the wind, KT not missed at all
2 – Tim & Chrisso – absolutely smashed themselves but showed grit getting to St Kilda
1 – PC – this man is never unfit!

3-9-16 Frankston

No rain! No Rain! The sun always shines on The Mayor!
Votes :
3- Fizza – a strange woman questioned his sexual prowess at Europa, something about Brittany Spears!
2 – Piffy & Stevie-O – blatantly ignored instructions, then caught the crew, then left early
1 – Archie – believes everything on the internet, including the weather channel, Fizza knows all, listen to him in the future!

Black Rock 27-8-16

A nice little jaunt to Black Rock and back. No smashing, just a little mayhem, and thanks to the quality at Europa for opening for us.
Welcome to new rider Steve, who happens to ride the Bouly daily recording 500m climbing. He will be bored with us soon!
Votes :
3- The Captain – while he wasn’t on the ride, at spin class he actually nipple crippled a stranger, thinking it was crew member Curtis!!!! Fair mistaken identity!!!!
2 – P.C. – turned up late, left his phone at home, saw the crew, ignored the crew!!! Was good to see him though!
1 – The Mayor – altercation is now the norm. The Mayor was called a cxxt but didn’t back off! Beach Road at it’s best……..or worst! His last comment – “I”LL WIN”!

Sanctuary Lakes 20-8-16

Cold but beautiful morning for the crew. Those who missed, missed out!
Votes :
3 – Mr Wonderful – 1st crash, was in slow motion, unscathed physically, scathed mentally. Some other dude crashed at exactly the same spot
2 – Joey – got a little angry with some other poon that told him he was cut off. There were some words, but two stand out – Fark off!!!!
1 – Rob & KT – were a little over awed with the ride and rode on only 2 cylinders.

18-6-16 Chelsea

“Sockday – The long and short”
Back to Beach Road – where the fark were everyone? Summer boys must have stayed in bed.
Votes :
3 – The Mayor – 2 fingers below the knee now the norm
2- Joey – no assistance with the tyre in Australia Joey, we could see you were out of practice by blowing a few tubes
1 – Chrisso – for allowing others to try on his tinea infected bike shoes

13-6-16 The Bouly

Flat tyre, whells falling off,cold, manly stuff, walking in cafes with helmets on. This morning had everything. FTI good, Kew Bouly done.
Hot coffees and chocolates. HOW GOOD IS IT? Other – Grant”Eddo” Edmonds took KY around the Torquay coast, putting him to the Sword for 90 kms.
Votes :
3 – J-Cat – Back wheel coming off just after Yarra River Bridge!!!!! Also for putting chai leaves in his already made chai tea.
2 – Chrisso – Tack withing one minute of the Boulevard
2 – Eddo – totally screwed with Ky’s head where they were heading, and then his legs on the smashing back to Anglesea
1 – The Mayor – wearing helmet into cafe. Nope, that’s not on!!!!!

11-6-16 Chelsea

Grouse morning for a ride, meeting a tough lady out in the rain, then the ol’ Pellegrini experience
Votes :
3 – Fizza – Telling The Mayor not to tell everyone Fizza is an ironman
2 – The Mayor – for telling everyone Fizza is an ironman
1 – Curtis – Yes he says he is riding… no show…
1 – J-Cat – same…softness and a lack of commitment

7-5-16 Kew Boulevard

“Team Aperol in fully force” – nearly
Joey, The Captain, J-Cat, Mr Wonderful, Fizza, Brendonovitch, Chrisso & brand new rider Curtis joined together for a crisp but beautiful morning of standard mayhem.
Very little group riding, but all well ends well with the crew joining together at some dodgy bakery/cafe in a mixo infested laneway in Collingwood. Beards and tatts required, and presented by Team C-Nut, albeit on different people.
Votes :
3 – Curtis – finally rode with the crew after many promises, was late, got lost on the way, lost the group on the hills, and got lost on the way home. This all equals maximum votes. 
2 – Chrisso – an extremely rare opportunity existed for the Aperol break way group to wear team outfit, and for some unknown reason didn’t.
1 – Brendonovitch – his rare skill of riding no hands and shaking like a baboon absolutely plays with Fizza’s head, and we love it because of this!!!!

28-5-16 Black Rock

“Hungry Mr Wonderful?”
A few of the crew made it to Black Rock in the torrential rain. Well done, you deserve nothing for a complete lack of intelligence.
Votes :
3 – Fizza – for calling the ride on the basis that the weather was going to be good.
2 – The Captain – for actually using his wet weather gear for what it is meant for
1 – The Mayor – hardest man in Australia

21-5-16 Keilor and...California

Little riding this week, seems that the Brown Bottle Flu has set in.
Votes :
3 – Joe – Joey in California = 3 votes, mayhem guaranteed, Joe has the best vault so it will be Sargent Schultz on his return 
2 – The Captain – convinced The Mayor to turn very early into the Keilor ride for donuts
1 – The Mayor – for agreeing to turn early

4-6-16 Sanctuary Lakes

Farkin’ wet morning but was called “the best ride ever”
Votes :
3 – Timmy – A great welcome on the bike track at Footscray. Was hoping he didn’t see us so he could go back to bed.
2 – Curtis – went off track into the bushes at Altona shooting range.
1 – Mr Wonderful – summer gear in freezing conditions, again

Beach Road 30-4-16

“Beach Road Hardness? Would think not!”
The madness continues. Team riding at it’s best – for 30%, for the balance atrocious!
Mr Wonderful gets bored and takes off, Fast crew Joey & KT get bored, J-Cat last seen chasing anything with a ponytail and even The Captain has a dip starting from the ol’ Corbett Kilometre.
That’s just on the way to Mordy. On the way back, Vista somehow snaps his saddle from the seatpost, letting it bounce back through the peleton, KY drops a chain in the middle of a 35 kmh group, and MR Wonderful once again gets ahead of the group somehow. Absolute Team C-Nut mayhem at it’s best.
All survived!
Votes :
3 – Vista – riding without a saddle, being told that his bike is unfixable and jumping on a train in Sandringham usually gets full votes.
2 – Mr Wonderful – refuses to ride with the group. It couldn’t be the conversation could it?
1 – Wizz – only signals a turn after the turn “you knew where I was going!” 

23-4-16 The Boulevard

“Hard as marshmellows these blokes”
A pleasant ride around the Boulevard with a cruise along the Yarra to Pellegrinis.
Votes :
3 – Chrisso – absolutely petrified of the Capitol City trail. Yes it is a mystery why! 
2 – J-Cat – his light rebounded into the Yarra. There goes a few lumens.
1 – K.T. & Rob – they understand the stopping rule at the base of a hill, but blatantly abuse this!!!! 

16-4-16 The Otway Classic

The Otway Classic done & dusted, didgeridees, Saturday Night Fever warm up music lumberjack cake, beers, coffees, soup, overpriced toast, saturation, body meltdowns , that’s enough!

Votes :

3- Vista – Smashed it, with no training, he is an athlete

2 – J-Cat – smashed himself, nearly got off the bike!

1 – Mr Wonderful – rated the ride, didn’t rate the Airey’s Inlet home brew

1 – Fizza – refusal to finish the ride up Club Young Hill, poor form

April Forrest Weekend

Forrest Weekend – nothing better than seeing Pauly frothing.
The biggest thanks in the world to the Olle’s!!!! A great weekend.
Votes : –
3 – The Mayor – put on a great show Friday night. Chicken skin with a bit of water. Not sure if he at his best or worst!
2 – All those that crashed on the mountain bike. Piffy, The Corbett, Joey, KT and whoever else wants to put there hand up!
1 – KY, The Mayor & The Captain – required a lift from Dave O from Ferguson. The rain screwed them.
1 – Pauly, Livio & David O – text book riding on the trails.
1 – Emma – a standard Saturday night dancing on the table

2-4-16 Keilor Hills

“The Cannondale’s 32 cog about to be engaged” – The Mayor at Brimbank
A gentle cruise around the river up Afton, Rosehill, into Brimbank and the Keilor loop. A very enjoyable ride at a leisurely pace enjoyed by KY, The Mayor, Vista, DanVanWinkel & Fizza.
Votes :
3 – The Mayor – no helmet =  full votes
2 – Vista – wife beater binds singlet the new cycling attire. No jersey required.
1 – Mr Wonderful – got lost……… Keilor, wrong light tower.

5-3-16 Mordy Poonarge

“The home of Team C-Nut. Why don’t other poons have their coffee there?”
Fair crew for the ride to Mordi. Somewhat of a smashfest as usual with the A Team thinking they are at pro level.
Votes :
3 Votes – Joey – the silent assassin pipping the A teams leaders at the Mordy sprint.
3 Votes – The Corbett – rumour of a superman over the bars on the mtb!
2 Votes – Tim – The 2nd silent assassin – followed wheels, in walking form, and riding form.
1 Vote – J-Cat – Now officially the new Jason. Late again!!!

Easter 2015

“We were all athletes for the weekend”
A fair few of the crew were out there on the weekend. Archie at Buller, KY in Anglesea, a few rubbernecks hung around Melbourne, Brendonovitch maybe not a social rider now & Joey and family were smashing the slopes in Japan.
Votes :
3 – Cheryl Hilton – cleated up, then went down. Yes it has happened to all of us, but still hilarious!!!
2 – The Captain – had to be told by a punter that his wife went down. Otherwise he would have kept on riding. Fark he is a hard ass riding on the front the whole way.
2 – Archie – if we thought there was any more space in his head for rocks, yes there is. Smashed the Nationals  downhill track.
1 – Anglesea legend Grant – forgot his knicks, so he rode in his best cargo shorts. Fair sweat marks in the cafe!!!
1 – The Aperol crew – Fizza, Mr Wonderful & Chrisso. An Italian chick nearly stole the jerseys from their backs.
1 – Brendonovitch – the new Pantani of the crew. Shave your head though.

27-2-16 Beach Road - Poonless

Piffy monstering some Altona offroad action!
A nice casual 90km ride to Sanctuary Lakes. More casual for some than other, more sweat from some more than others, more talk from some more than others.
Riders : Piffy, The Fizz, The Mayor, The Captain, DanVan, J-Cat, Jules & KY.
Great donuts at the Alfa in Yarraville
J-Cat : “Tupperware Club” – prefer to discuss crap than ride! No urgency at all! 
Votes :
3 – The Captain – attempted to kill himself in Yarraville by taking on a truck, and also for leading the formation of the Tupperware Club 
2 – Fizza – 2nd member of the Tupperware club and for cluelessness in changing of a tyre
1- Piffy – the silent assassin, when smashing starts, he is always there.
1 – J-Cat – the new Jason, always late

13-2-16 The Dandys

“Brendo chewing, and nearly riding the Vomitron on top of Devil’s Elbow”
A beautiful morning to ride with Dan VanWinkel, J-Cat, Piffy, Fizza & KY joining local heros, Brendonovitch, Robbie & Mike for a lazy 50km hit out.
It was 1st time for VanWinkel in the hills, while the Ironman suffered and Brendo resorted to mid hill resting stops. 50km, 1200 metres climbing, wafer thin toast, ridiculously priced crumpets, a few Stellas at Sky High, and a few Vaucluse Bitters at the York finished a good days riding.
Votes :
3 Votes – Fizza – the 4 time Ironman had to resort to…………..walking up Devil’s elbow. Call him “Tex” if you like.

20-2-16 - The Mixed Bag

“Beach Road will never be the same after this PRO crew smashed it!” Rob, KT & Joey in hurt formation.
Splinter groups formed this weekend, with KY attempting to ride with the Fast Crew jokers KT, Joey & Rob along Beach Road, while The Mayor, Jules, The Captain & J-Cat venturing into the Keilor Hills to check for some dirty car action. Others were out mountain biking, wearing their one piece tri suits, while another notable was in New Zealand competing in WEMBO. (A fully summary of the results to come!)
Votes :
Beach Road Crew :
3 Votes – Joey – for making the call to wear the ‘Kermit’ Cannondale kit, and not letting KY in on the plan.
2 Votes – KT & Rob – for actually wearing the green kit, and for a moment thinking they were actually pro.
1 Vote – KY – wardrobe malfunction causing the Green Machine to wait, making them look extremely amateur.
Keilor Hills Crew :
3 Votes – Jules – something about the texture of Goo that he maybe can relate to.
2 Votes – The Captain – for educating the crew on what ‘dogging’ is, and then letting the crew know where this ‘dogging’ occurs, on the actual ride they are doing!
1 Vote – The Mayor – nearly crashing at 5 kmh.
1 Vote – J-Cat – chose to ride with the Keilor crew, only so that he could be top dog.

30-1-16 The Boulevard

The comfort of strudel and coffee never felt better! – Pellegrinis
A leisurely ride around the Boulevard with the many women’s groups and no punctures. Self proclaimed Fatboys The Captain and The Mayor couldn’t bring themselves to do either Yarra Street or the School Hill on both laps while hard nuts KY & J-Cat did everything possible to hang onto the back wheel of some raging poons. The rudeness of Victorian cyclists was on show once again – is there anything wrong with responding Good Morning? WTF?
On Sunday, Fizza completed another half Ironman. his new thought pattern is if he does 2 half Ironman’s, that counts as a full Ironman completion. Whenever he is around, please congratulate him, as he loves the praise, and the T Shirts. His words “All done 2 45 on the bike for 90 kms. It was very windy. Stopped the clock at 5 40. Very tired and looking forward to a refreshing drink”
Votes :
3 – The Captain– 1st known crash of the year along the Yarra, followed by 20 minutes of laughter from the Mayor
2 – The Mayor – no real hills, but the uncontrollable laughter was a highlight.
1- J-Cat – the new Jason Ellis, late again!!!!
1- Fizza – another new t shirt purchased for the half Ironman

Crack a Vic 2016

“Pro cyclist getting the glory – before the race!”
Another cracker of weekend in Adelaide, with great thanks to all the South Australians who always welcome the Vics to their town with open arms.
Once again the Saturday Crack a Vic ride was challenging, more so with the aid of another big Friday night drinking some unheard name of cloudy filth, dosed up with a touch of heartburn.
The Vics were proud to recruit on free agency big Trav and Jimmy who rode themselves into the ground for the big V, unlike many of the SA Rooters who disappeared frequently during the day, getting off lightly from Ryno “make sure you get home ok!” – WTF??
The SA Rooter team won again, with Bill & KY somehow not bringing the King of the Mountain envelopes. Evidently if KY brought the envelopes to the vote count the Vics would have won, evidently. not sure how that could be the case with the trophy already engraved.
The next day it was the Norton Summit 2 man time trial with Archie and Julie taking the honours in brilliant fashion. A gentle beach ride followed with some tasty beers at a life saving club.
A great weekend again, more Vics need to appear next year.
Votes :
3 – to all the Victorians – Archie, Kylie, KY, J-Cat, Trav and Jimmy who distinguished themselves over the weekend, and rode with honour.
3 – Ryno – put together another great weekend, it is a pity those who left the Cav midway showed little respect to the man.
2 – Joey – turned up late, but promised to bring his “A” team next year. The “A” team was already there Joey, the “A” team Joey thinks he is bringing is an urban myth.
1 – J-Cat – another vote for the spat after the time trial. “Don’t anyone give me any of your shit!!!