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Ride Report 14

Ride Report 6-12-14

“Joe mixing it with real bikies – Top of Olivers”
It was only KY & Joe that braved the wintery conditions to Humphries and return. It was old school epicness with a head wind on the way down and saturation on the Humphries climb. Fuelled by donuts and finally dim sims it was 125kms of joy!
Voting :
3 votes : The Bosnian wonder Nijaz. As Joe & KY were hitting the wall around Mordy Nijaz did a 25km turn at the front to save the boys! Also had the smartness to turn at Frankston, while KY & Joe got absolutely drenched up Humphries.
2 votes – Joe – 2 punctures, one not needed at he failed to see the massive tack in the tyre after the 1st change. he looks good but a fail of Cycling 101.
1 vote – Pina – great non ride but enjoyed the South Melbourne dimmies. 

Ride Report 29-11-14

“Perfecto, shirts off!”
Magnificent day to do a lengthy ride…for most. The Mayor, KY, Jules, The Captain, Piffy and Joe road with plenty of poonage along Beach Road. It was turning back the clock to days of yesteryear but without the Corbett kilometre from Mentone, and without Pauly’s hairy legs.
Jules and The Captain softly turned at Mordy while the others ventured to Frankston for some cycling lovin’. In keeping with tradition, Europa donuts were consumed in the famous site seeing street known as Acland.
Voting :
3 – Joe – for nearly causing KY to crash at Docklands because of cluelessness where he was going, and actually crashing at Mordy into some knob.
2 – Piffy & The Mayor – could not keep up with the pace out of Mordy and IMPLODED…and thats without Friday night drinks. Get back on it!
1 – Jules & The Captain – must be running out of lame excuses on why they have to continually turn early. No doubt they have more in their brains somewhere.

Ride Report 22-11-14

“Pure pain, pure heartburn, another beer please!” The Mayor beyond maggotted
Another Beach Road to get some kms in without farkin hills. The Captain, Joey, J-Cat, The Mayor & Jules rode with the multitude of Poons to Mordy and return. Joey & J-Cat smashed the rest of the crew into submission but probably more due to over indulgence of alcohol and food.
Voting :
3 Votes – Brendo – not because he rode up 2 of the 7 peaks, but because of the fact he demanded 3 votes for himself!
3 Votes – The Mayor – had no recollection of Friday night…………….or Saturday morning.
2 Votes – Jules – ordered white bread for his toast, and evidently the cafe were not quite sure what that was. Fair margin on that sale.
1 Vote – J -Cat – was with KY at a Windy Hill gym function. A lovely decided they were both raving homo’s, and when KY spilt the beans they weren’t, the lovely explained that J-Cat was acting the more gay than KY.

Ride Report 15-11-14

The Mayor didn’t have an issue with his voice today, unlike Mick Jagger!
KY, The Captain, The Mayor and Joey smashed it to Mordy and back. Highly enjoyable ride with not so many poons out on Beach Road. 
Jason continued his merry dance on the 7 peaks and rode with Piffy & Brendonovitch up Lake Mountain. A smart idea to get another climb over before the Fast Crew decide to ride them as that won’t be enjoyable.
Votes : – 
3 Votes – Piffy – the look on his face means he is absolutely rooted. The Grey face gives it away. Another near death experience no doubt.
2 Votes – The Mayor – his training methods went out the window. Was supposed to train at 75% of his heart rate, but set new record highs. The new high meant he should be 14 years old!
1 Vote – Jason C & Brendonovitch – for some reason they enjoy climbing hills. Whoever has rode with them has to (as The Captain would say) shut their ears with the complaining!
1 Vote – The Captain – turned at Black Rock – one word “homo” 

Ride Report 8-11-14

Not many rode this weekend, why wouldn’t ya? Because absolute laziness has set in.
Votes :
3 – Jason C – Baw Baw completed. Not sure how he finds the time but now ahead of the others riding the 7 Peaks. Garmin report needs to be examined to check for vomit stop.
2 – The Corbett – now full time MTB’ing in an effort to catch up with the skills of the injured duo Pauly & The Archer. Is it their skills he wants, or is it their stupidity?
1 – KY – smashed it with the Anglesea locals once again, and as usual finished with the mandatory Baileys with hot chocolate.  

Anglesea Dirty Dozen 2-11-14

The Anglesea Dirty Dozen is done and dusted. Six intrepid mountain goats (Local team -Euro Grant, Trevor (Bear) Grylls, Jan Hammer & C-Nut strongmen Brendonovitch, Jason (shit-C) & KY Gel)  completed all 12 hills in cool conditions with a fresh west south west wind. Parker St proved to be the most challenging, and the condition of the Great Ocean Rd along the riverbank proved that we were perhaps in a third world country… Special mention to the fine array of Wilier bikes in the bunch, proving that real climbers prefer Italian steeds over Taiwanese Giants (Oh well, does that mean I need to get with the programme?! – but at least I use Campagnolo!) Looking forward to the photos to be posted on Team C-nut’s website. Thanks to all who participated in the first ADD, looking forward to the next edition, maybe around April 2015 (to coincide with the Euro spring classics). G

Voting :

3 votes – Grant Edmonds – a great job organising the ride. Look for the “FILTY FIFTEEN” which will be coming up before you know it!

2 votes – Brendonovitch – chicks were all over his tattoos over the weekend. From bikini clad beauties on the beach to the tight lycra femme fatales on the road. 

1 vote – Jason C – could ride uphill on the Dirty Dozen, but crapped his pants on the way down. Why? Speed wobbles. Why speed wobbles? Because he did not know how to put his back wheel on correctly. 

Ride Report 11-10-14

“Anglesea riding – rated very highly, be wary of the Euro riding skills of the locals”
While KY was enjoying the sights and smell of Anglesea, including the smell of pld Kangaroo carcasses on the side of the road, others did the full on poon thing and road along Beach Road to Mordy.
Votes from the Mayor in his words :-
“Yup. I will once again poll 1 vote for being shitfaced and riding and smashing down to Mordy. Julian 2 votes for nearly peeing his pants. and still ranting Vista like about apricots on toast. 1 vote JAson C for turning at St Kilda. Joey 1 vote for leading all day and keeping pace to pleasurable. The fillys were out but no votes. Oh yeah, The Captain absolutely rooted, 1 vote! Good show for Tim who gets 1 vote for first ride back with the boys. Preparation for Italy. Sammy gets 3 votes for his non training for Italy.

Ride Report 4-10-14

“KY battling to keep up with the Anglesea locals”
A beautiful day to ride. Only known rides were KY with the Anglesea locals, Pauly on the mtb at the Gorge, The Corbett on a race return, and Jason C and The Mayor rode to Craigieburn via the Gaffney 4. 
Votes :
3 – The Mayor – in Jason C’s words “for getting fondles by a chick at the cafe in Craigieburn, and commenting on his great pecks, he is the complete package”
2 – Jason C – for drinking his 2nd coffee in his lifetime, and for only doing 2 of the Gaffney 4, trying to explain that he didn’t need to because he still had to climb Gowenbrae. 
1 – The Corbett – put himself into another world hanging onto the main group in his first race for a while. Near vomit evidently.

Ride Report 27-9-14

“Wiz attempting to act natural at Hell’s Kitchen”
Traditional Grand Final ride to Black Rock and return with only Wiz, Pauly & KY riding due to the massive amount of amber consumed by many the night before.
A standard ride…that is stay in own group for a while…and then join some super fast group (for us)…have turn up front….and explode.
Grand Final celebrations were held at the Labour in Vain later that day with Piffy, Pauly, KY, The Grining, Carlotta and The Corbett. A nice ride in, can’t remember how we rode home!
Votes :
3 – Piffy – mesmerised with the band at the Labour in Vain. Thought he was going to throw his undies at the singer of King Wolf.
2 – Wiz – The world according to Wiz has not changed. Although he doesn’t believe people are fitter in suburbs near the beach.
1 – The Corbett – Yeah you can celebrate the Hawks, no one else cares, and nice shirt off hugging the Kink Wolf singer.  

Ride Report 20-9-14

“Pauly free wheelin'”
Just another standard strange day for us poons on Saturday.
The Mayor & KY were crook from smashing of all types of alcohol the night before, Jason C was crook with some stomach upset and had to have a chunder, and to top it off Pauly’s chain broke climbing Yarra and that meant it was time to go home. Probably a 35 km ride with Pauly actually putting effort into only half that. Coffe and pre buttered toast were consumed at another dodgy cafe in Brunwick. 
On Sunday, Pauly taook his new Lynx aftershave bike to the You Yangs, while The Mayor, KY and local Moonee Ponds legend Ken rode on a new loop to the city and back through the Boulevard. A new low was achieved at some cafe in Brunswick who were obviously anti poon and anti lycra. Worst service ever! 
Votes :
3 Votes – The Mayor – pushed Pauly the whole way home with highly glassed eyes. Above the call of duty.
2 Votes – Pauly – heard of bike maintenance?
1 Vote – Jason C – a “Chris Mew” would normally earn 3 votes but did it behind closed doors.
The Captain still a clear leader in the spew award. 

September 13 & 14

“These lads live in a great part of the world and love it! City life not rated”
A few rides by a few poons on the weekend :
KY – Rode with the Anglesea crew on Saturday, and a beatiful ride to Lorne and return with locals Livio & Grant.
Pauly – feral once again on the MTB at Plenty Gorge.
The Fast Crew – a quick smacking to Mordy and return
The Mayor & Jules – Airport activity
Archie – Winner of the 40+ Bendigo 6 hour. Evidently torched but once again accepted the trophy on the podium with tight black jeans and black Adidas runners.
One day in the next 10 years we will ride together!
Votes :
3 Votes – Archie – riding at some new advanced level that will only change when he gets back on the gin & tonics.
2 Votes – Joe – yep your football team is as good as most of the rest of ours – SHITE! (excludes KT, Pauly & The Corbett)
1 Vote – The Mayor – interval training after a belly full of beer. It works for him. 

Mordy & Beyond 30-8-14

“Rob & KT – they can ride a bit and she was all over them because of this fact!, Chicks love strong riders”
A beautiful day for a 100km ride to Carrum and return. Initially it was Jason C, Jules, The Mayor, Piffy, KY and members of the fast crew KT, Rob and Joey (has he re-qualified, must have missed it!)
The pace was on the whole way, or seemed to be on, as The Fast Crew lead from the front most of the way. Rob was especially strong and was as fit as we have seen him. Unfortunately KT was a little overweight at 85 kgs so Rob put him to the sword more than once. Joe continually complained about stopping (twice!) and  Piffy once again showed his spin form and kept with the pace. Coffee, donuts and some Irish were served up at Europa in Acland Street (why are all the cafes full except for this one?)
Votes :
3 – KT – for battling his inner demons and not allowing the black Spiderman to take over his soul as this time he actually waited for others who were battling for some clear road to catch up.
2 – Rob – for being the strong man, and for giving KT grief about his new plumpness!
1 – The Mayor, Jason C & Jules for turning early without giving any reason whatsoever.  

6-9-14 Heartburn

KY, turned up, Jason C turned up & no one else due to a massive night on Friday. it was a shorth 50km to Loch Greenvale and return. The Fast crew, however, journeyed to Frankston for some smashing.
Votes :
3 votes – KY – the Tigers let him down
2 votes – Jason C & The Mayor – your team the Bombers are also shite.
1 vote – Joe – your team is also shite but somehow they are still in with a chance.
Congratulations to KT (Roos), Pauly (Swans) & The Corbett (Hawks)
Footy is now over – who gives a FARK ANYWAY!

26-7-14 Beach Road return

“You missed it Pauly, the other VW man loved it!”
For once an enjoyable ride along Beach Road, sorry have to say it again, an enjyable ride along Beach Road. Why? A little rain kept the hoards of Gucci riders away leaving only medium hard nuts to ride. KY, Piffy, Jules and the Mayor sometimes swapped turns on the way to Mordy and back. as per normal, the wind was tail on the way there and putting the crew to the sword on the way back. Donuts and coffees were consumed at the crew’s spiritual cafe, Europa (,  in Acland Street (why does not one other rider go there?) and 85 kms later all agreed we should do it again, but not soon!
Votes : 
3 – Piffy – rode with a bare tyre, blew tube, had wrong tube, was unable to change tyre, and rode on the edge the whole way home. It was barrage Piffy day. Predicting tyre has still yet to be changed!
2 – Jules – admitted the girth was a little more out there than when he last road, battled to keep in the group at the end, but showed ticker to make it all the way.
1 – The Mayor –  had some bad rubbing, but rode with ease, loves the non hill thing.

19-7-14 Catlin's Western Loop

“Entering the strange funk only found in the outer Western suburbs”
KY & Jason C had a corker of a 90km loop from north of Melbourne, Werribee, Laverton, Altona, Williamstown and back to Essendon. All on bike tracks, all a little slippery, all with more than some sort of stink to boot but a lot of fun.
Votes :
3 Votes – Jason C – this man be never get lost!
2 Votes – KY – for introducing dick pants in another form to Yarraville.
1 Vote – All other members – for not being COOL enough to ride on bike tracks.  

12-7-14 Craigieburn

“Wizza took Pauly’s Focus off road and will never be the same!”
The return of Wizza, with Pauly, KY & The Mayor for an assault on Craigieburn and back through Coburg, to Team C-NUT HQ in Brunswick. Finished with some carbo loading consisting of Pauly’s boutique beer, slightly above homebrew. 76kms of slowness, with some mayhem involved.
Votes :
3 – Wizza – the ironman is not used to actually turning a bike and somehow ended up in the bushes just past Broadmeadows, on Pauly’s bike. Yes it was funny, Lucky he was wearing his Alaskan jacket which prevented further injury.
2 – The Mayor – rode with ease, most likely fuelled by Zantac, and red wine in his body left from the night before.
1 – Pauly – was heartbroken that Wiz was the first and only person to drop his beloved Focus.

5-7-14 Pauly's Eastern Ramble

“Fair advertising for the Olle, pity there were no other riders around!”
Pauly, KY, The Captain & The Mayor ventured into new territory riding along the Yarra to Eltham. A great ride designed by Pauly, who was the only rider who had the bike it was meant for.70kms, no elevation & no speed. The Captain’s style of ride!
Votes :
3 Votes – The Captain – just farkin’ stop complaining about the dirt tracks
2 Votes – The Mayor – just don’t know how he can do it after another massive Friday
1 Vote – Pauly – yes there was single track, yes Pauly was on it, yes Pauly was ‘YAHOOING!”

29-6-14 - Melburn Roobaix

Cold, wet, nasty laneways, beautiful people, lunatics and a lot of dnf’s. KY, The Captain, Brendo and Matt rode only part of the course mainly due to some level of intelligence kicking in. The boys were fuelled by brewery consumption, cafe consumption and the though that something warm was around the corner. Gone are the days the ride is full of hipsters, or maybe they were running scared of the weather, or that riding with no brakes is actually dangerous!  A great day once again thanks to Andy at Fyxo…..
Votes :
3 – Brendo – this man has no fear…..we think?
2 – The Captain – the Wilier smashed through the laneways, but somehow ‘poofed’ out to go home early
1 – Pauly – a laneway got him and he went down, no broken bones as he knows how to fall

28-6-14 Craigieburn Roxburgh Fright

Jason C – The human GPS!
KY and Jason C entered into unknown territory in Northern Melbourne. Bike trackin’ most of the way to Craigieburn and back through Roxburgh Park for 70 kms was an enjoyable time out while the rest of the poons were scared of a little rain and wind.
Votes :
3- Jason C – the human GPS somehow got KY home.
2 – KY – clueless where he was, scared, but loved it! 
1 – All the other poons that were too precious to go bike tracking!

21-6-14 The Boulevard

“The Moona Bar in Moonee Ponds – a nice way to finish a ride. Maybe some shots next time. Fark we are getting less serious every ride!”
KY, The Mayor and Jason C kept Piffy waiting at The Boulevard while they did a little bike trackin’, grass riding and some single track on the way there. It was puncture city in Kew as very second rider was off the road and it was inevitable that one of us would get hit. KY got some glass and it was decided then to pull the plug (after only one Yarra Street that obliterated Jason C) and head to Pelligrinis along the river. Some majestic strudel with some short blacks got some of the crew to the Moona Bar for some fresh pots. Not a hard ride, not a long ride but enjoyable. The Captain would have been jealous. His ranting was not missed.
Votes :
3 – Jason C – continually stopping to adjust something, whether he was getting too hot or fixing the italian truck he is riding. Couldn’t stop talking about a series “Crown of Thorns”. Never heard of that!
2 – The Mayor – the return of R Allcock finally, after a short black, found some inner peace at Pellegrinis.
1 – Piffy – for his patience waiting, nothing seems to bother him. Gotta like that.

14-6-14 Willy - Not Much More

These Poons were battling with the wet – HARDEN UP NACKERS!
All but 3 were scared off by the impending weather with KY, The Captain & Jules the only takers. It was a beautiful ride around the river until KY laughed at what was occurring over on Poon (Beach) Road where a deluge could be seen. What occurred 5 minutes later was a deluge over Williamstown. The beach was as far as KY could go in the wet and it was coffee and toast in Yarraville, on their own. It was a dead zone there. It was back around the river to Moonee Ponds where a White Rabbit was consumed at Moonee Cafe whilst watching the end of the Aussie’s match against Chile. it was finished off with a $2 coffee. YES $2! STOP farking ripping us off everywhere else.
Votes :
3 – Jules – He is no weatherman. He could not understand where the rain was coming from! WTF?
2 – KY – Never again laugh at other cyclist’s misfortunes (the Beach Road poons getting soaked)
1 – The Captain – sarcasm getting wet on the bike has reached a new level.   

31-5-14 North It!

“Cycling Poons should be arrested”
KY, Pauly, The Mayor, Jules and The Captain took the road north along Moonee Ponds Creek onto nowhere. It was a bit of everything, nice cycle path, dirt walking tracks, weird urban scenery, a little single track and a few hills around Brimbank Park.
A nice ride, not long but interested. Pauly was on the verge of frothing but not quite. The Gucci bikes in the crew held up but not without a few complaints.
A NICE coffee with toast were consumed at Form Cafe in Essendon.
Votes :
3 – The Mayor – STOP complaining about Form. We have our own spot, coffee is good, service is good and if Pauly has a coffee there on his own it must be rated.
2 – The Captain – lost where he was, cracked it and left for home. Was scared after the police stories.
1 – Pauly & Jules – loved the urban scenery at Westmeadows, especially the seat overlooking the burnt out cars and the rubbish filled dam!

Ride Report 17-5-14

Poons going fishing – Altona Pier
Joe, Jules, Pauly, The MAyor and The Captain ventured down Altona way for a cruisy ride.
Votes :
3 – The Captain – for inappropriate comments in regards to the fairer sex. Also for wearing full winter gear on a beautiful autumn day. How’s your husband?
2 – Pauly – cross country activities, again
1 – The Mayor – trying to be the weatherman and forecasting rain. Clearly not his forte. Also for navigational skills. Clueless on how to get to the scenic route.

May 4 Port Macquarie Ironman

Wizza smashed it again – that’s enough! Please throw away any one piece outfits you own!
Votes : 
3 – Wizza – for taking at least 3 years from his life in one day – motivational yes, stupidity yes!
2 – Wizza – for timing the run to finish 13 hours exactly!
1 – Colleen – for putting up with everything a partner of an Ironman has to deal with, including measuring of the rice servings. 

Easter Weekend

“The Mayor in the wilderness with a couple of mates” – Somewhere in Victoria
There were a few rides on the weekend and very few…..
The Mayor was somewhere in some cold patch, Brendo & a flued up KY ventured to Lorne from Anglesea,  Pauly & The Corbett had their mtb shoes on at Lysterfield &  Westerfolds, Jason E was in the Dandys while Jason C road up the northern part of Victoria.
KY finished the weekend by crashing on the mtb once again flying over the bars. 
Votes :
3 votes – PC – another Boston Marathon done and dusted. Great work
2 votes – KY – there is a time to realise that you can’t ride mountain bikes
1 vote – Brendo – in his element along the Great Ocean Road and back to his best perving at Lorne. 

April 12 & 13

“Pauly frothing in the You Yangs – again!
Saturday morning – the pace was on with KY, Joe, The Mayor, KT and Wiz venturing to Mordialloc with just a couple of other poons. KT still angry on another debacle on MT Buller showed again he is very strong when there is no pressure. Joey & KT decided 40kmh was just not quite fast enough for them on the way back and decided to join a crew doing 45kmh. Madness! We all met up at Europa for the famous nepalm plum donuts and the ride was finished up with a couple of Peronis (minus Joe & KT due to softness).
Sunday – KY and Pauly rejoined there skankiness side and rode a few kms out in the You Yangs. Pauly was close to heaven while KY was close to hell on the rock garden. Very nice out there.
Votes :
3 – KT – one of the best non event riders out on Beach Road. No stage fright there KT (unlike Buller, or any other event!)
2 – Wiz – used Team C-Nut for finish off his Ironman training. Nearly fit but not sure about the beer post ride, where is your milkshake?
1 – Joe – blatant refusal of post ride nutrition.  

Forrest March 28 - 30


A mad, mad weekend for the C-Nut crew at Forrest.

Attendees : Pauly, The Corbett, The Captain, KY, The Mayor, Jules, Jason C & new poon The Duck.

Highlights/Lowlights (take your pick) : Carton Draught, Pauly’s speakers, blokes dancing with each other, Wonky Donky, crashing, house smell, forest underwear, salted belt (biltong), rants, loud talking, beer slightly better than home brew, 2 girls and a cup, beautiful riding, Pauly permanently frothing, dobs of scotch, more dobs of scotch, rusty combi, potential late night trips to Colac, running races, good coffee but what’s with the service?………plenty more

February 15 Mordy


“Don’t rate it Wizza!”

A great morning to ride with the return of The Captain and Brendonovitch from the long term injury list with his new steed (see Latest News).

It was KY, Jules, The Mayor, The Captain, Fast Crew member KT, and Fast Crew maybe Joey. All was good until The Captain’s bib malfunction was discovered.

A forest that would provide most of Melbourne’s oxygen was discovered at Mordy, protruding through a hole in The Captain’s bib shorts. We were not sure if it was a Silence of the Lambs impression or some other weird hair experiment gone wrong.

The crew voted not to get new knicks but somehow they relented allowing a stop at Le Knicks for a new pair.

Milkshakes and coffee in jars was superb once again at Betty’s.

Votes :

3 – The Captain – for the gunt exploding through his knicks

2 – Brendonovitch – for calling a scooter rider a cockhead (amongst other things) for not wearing a helmet. Still can’t understand why he did not receive a short arm jab to the nose.

1 – KT & Joey– a bold attempt to be team players the whole way – FAIL!

February 8 & 9 Mordy

The Mayor was lost for words – WTF is with it with some Poons on Beach Road?

Farkin on the verge of heat on a magical summer’s morning ride to Mordy. A nice ride with the crew sticking together for most of the journey.

Betty, you gotta love her as coke was washed down with beer at her establishment. Apart from the excess poonage, a bloode nice ride.

Votes :

3 – KY – only discovered cash was left at Mordy at Betty’s. Made the call to the cafe and it was still there! This meant another ride to Mordy on Sunday in a 50 knot wind. Intelligence!

2 – Pauly – allowed the elastic band to break….and was punished for it!

1 – KT – would have been more votes for again not keeping to team rules, or any rules for that matter, but redemmed himself for riding with K