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Ride Report 13

November 2 & 3

Black Rock 30-11-13

The only way to finish a ride

It was hangovers all round for The Corbett, The Captain, KY and still with probably no hangover yet, The Mayor.

It was meant to be a ride to Mordy but an agreement was made to turn at Black Rock. Lucky, as the once famous Corbett kilometre was coming up which for certain would have caused some northing of the night before menu.

Dim sims should have been consumed at 1am but were instead consumed around 9am with the best drink in the world – Coke. Coffee was required and it was consumed at a beautiful spot just past the Polly Woodside. Asahi’s helped the hangover recovery at Club Young.

Votes :

3 – The Mayor – for continual jibberish about fit chicks and the Polly Woodside

2 – The Corbett – for the rare appearance on this side of town

1 – The Captain – they are just cabbage

Beach Road 23-11-13

“One word – Ridiculous” – Velvet Bar South Melbourne

Riders – KY, The Mayor, Joey, Piffy, Jules and a rare outing of some members of the Fast Crew with Team C-Nut, Rob and PC.

Pauly pulled the plug when a drop of rain hit his Garmin.

An absolute shocker of a day for weather but a momentus day for the Fast Crew. It was old school Team C-Nut riding in terrible weather but in tradition braved the conditions to Black rock and return, excpet for 2 riders. The Fast Crew boys are now known as the Soft Boys as they pulled the pin in St Kilda to ring their socks out in a cafe and enjoy lashings of bacon & eggs and fruit toast.

Coffe was served by Scottish quality at Velvet.

Votes –

3 – Rob – Fast but extremely soft

2 – PC – no doubt a hardman, and had a weak moment which should never happen again

1 – The Mayor – yeah, the socks make a huge difference.

Keilor 16-11-13

“Joey no issue with the 13% climb, still has a phobia with the rabbits though” – Brimbank Park

Riders – Joe, KY, Pauly, Jason C, Julian, The Mayor and later The Captain

Ride – Afton, Buckley, Rosehill, Brimbank Park, Feathertop, Concrete, Arundel – anything we could find that went upward.

Votes :

3 – The Mayor – nearly passed out at the 30% mark on Feathertop, of course not due to anything the night before

2 – Julian – flat refusal of Feathertop

1 – The Captain – flat refusal of any hill

Rutherglen 9-11-11

“Archie – 1950’s Tour De France mountain climb pose – in Rutherglen”

C-Nut attendees – Piffy, The Corbett, KY, The Captain, Archie & Kylie

What occurred : Beer, dodgy counter meals, KY’s 60 to 1 shot causing atomic damage at Poachers, more atomic damage with Piffy exploding on the Saturday morning ride with the locals, Archie toying with the platted hair dude, Corbett and The Captain snobbing the locals by refusing to ride, traditional Le Tour around the wineries, very enjoyable, fly blown BBQ at Cofields, appearance of Frankenstein head, KY told at by Mrs Chambers at Chambers, wine tasting is only a sip as he was lining up the traditional walnut red shooters, more beers, and a few more, dodgy underwear in hotel pool, Corbett refusal to go to Cofield’s winery dinner, maximum alcohol consumed at winery dinner leading an opera and ballet lover to transform into some monster, Sunday Parkers pies were sensational, and sensationally priced ($9 wtf!), home time – recovery required.

Votes :

3 – The Captain – very disturbing activity, memory loss, an obvious best on ground

2 – The Corbett – refused to ride with locals, refused Cofields dinner, required for next year’s morning ride

1 – Piffy – for the explosion at Chiltern, obviously affected by the 35 pots the day before.

Ride Report of November 2 & 3

“Stick your city riding up your clacker” – #not melbournesmogtraffic

A few rides this weekend.

Jules, The Captain, The Mayor and The Corbett joined forces and rode around the hills of Keilor.

The Captain took photos of the others coming up Concrete Hill. Did he beat the others to be able to do this?

Ride was finished with French coffee and donuts (French make shite coffee), then with Heinekens and Single Malt at “The House of Hilton” – WTF?

KT was also spotted getting fitter on the bike, but his piss fitness still highly questionable.

KY rode with the Anglesea locals on Saturday and again to Benwerrin on Sunday into the South Wester with a couple of strongmen (Geoff and Livio). Well one was as Geoff had to pull out due to soreness after 20 marathons. (Fair excuse)

Coffee was ok in Lorne but the $8 fruit toast served with the crust was unusual. The pierced nose back packing waitress softened the hurt.

Archie mixed with cyclocross legends like Elmo, HR Puff n Stuff and Spiderwoman in Brunswick – think they had his measure.

Votes :

3 – KT – solo early rider effort, caught him at the top of Concrete and called the others ‘afternoon shift’. Still not piss fit – farkin far from it.

2 – The Corbett – for riding off towards Brimbank when the crew were just turning at bridge to do Concrete and McNabs. Why would you do that?

1 – The Captain – soft, not doing second Concrete. Oh the knee, the knee!!!!!

1 – Julian – has a fetish for single malt at before 11am

Ride Report of October 26

“No Corbett Kilometre today. Just a hill slugfest.”
Corbett Remedial Ride no 3. It was just a sniff of what is to come as KY, Pauly and The Corbett awaken out of their winter slumber.
The right turn was not taken to Kinglake so it was circuit of nice countryside followed by full on traffic. Coffee and toast was consumed at
The Peddler Cafe (no other bikes) where KY was occosted by some bloke trying to market some form of fart gas fuel. (Probably works).
Finally wide mouthed Stellas were consumed in “The Cave of Corbett”. A nice starter ride. Next chai tea at St Andrews.
Votes :
3 – The Corbett – for the slow talking Rapha pisstake
2- Pauly – showing glimpses of his old self smashing a 5 km section on the front
1 – KY – for damaging his back because of the refusal of using the small chain ring.
1 – Ryno – visited the crew, but no BIKE riding. Soft but great to catch up.

Weekend Oct 19 & 20

“The Mayor was angry because of the 2 hour wait for the ferry, until he found the alternative” – Sunday Around the Bay in a Day

A big weekend for some, but mostly a non event for the rest.

KY rode on Saturday with the locals, and then tested himself on the steep climbs in town and failed. A nice ride to Benwerrin on Sunday with only the sound of bugs on the 10km climb.

The Mayor did the 250km on the Around the Bay in a Day claiming it to be the worst ride ever. Jason C did the 210km fuelled by Hydralyte and Coq10 and did it easy, but said will never do it again. Great effort these 2 blokes.

El Corbetto once again rode around the Eastern hills of Melbourne, no doubt getting stronger to crush everyone up Kinglake when we finally get there.

Pauly & Piffy decided ‘home’ brew is better than riding. Evidently the smell of this new batch is slightly better than Piffy’s previous efforts.

Not sure what the other knobs got up to.

Votes :

3 – The Mayor – 250kms in that wind – hard core. Beers before ferry and no heartburn – hardcore.

2 – Jason C – 210kms, swallowed numerous bugs and need to be operated on when one was planted in his forehead.

1 – KY – all cycling passion was lost, until he rode a beautiful 95kms on the Great Ocean Road. Only 50% back though.

Weekend October 12 & 13

What an epic weekend for some…………..while some it was business as usual, not doing much.
There was 24 hour beyond epicness (Archie) , marathon madness (PC & Pina), less than marathon madness (Vista) & some nice riding
to Mordialloc (Piffy, Jason C, Jules, Sparrow & The Mayor), around Anglesea (KY & locals) and the rolling hills of the outer Eastern suburbs (The Corbett).
There were also another who chose the optic vision of yoga pants at the gym (The Captain) and another who was mad at blowing his thongs out so did
nothing (Mitch).
Not sure whoever did whatever for the rest of the crew.
Votes :
3 – Archie – 12th in world, podium in age group at the WEMBO 24 hour. Hats off, shirts off, pants off, g strings off to you Archie. BEYOND HUMAN CAPABILITIES.
3 – PC – Marathon man – another easy one. A couple of blisters soothed by 7% beers.
3 – Pina – Marathon man – fuelled by salt and vinegar chips
2 – Vista – the bow legs somehow ran for 10 kilometres
2 – Piffy – rode to Mordialloc with the lads, then on the turn took off never to be seen again.
1 – Jules – it’s getting boring, just pump up your farkin’ tyres harder!
1 – Sparrow – supposedly the new hard man. Have you met Archie, Sparrow?
1 – Jason C – don’t ride behind him when he spots the dreaded yoga pants. Can be dangerous!

Ride Report of 28-9-13

“Mall riding – why wouldn’t ya?”

Wiz Ride no 2 with KY, Jason C, Pauly and The Mayor. It was meant to be a pre Grand Final couple of laps around
The Boulevard, but Pauly’s ‘indestructible tyres’ blew a fuse and virtually disintegrated. Back to the city on the Capital
Trail, mixing it with some rare exotic forms of bird life, finishing at Hell’s kitchen with the purple army.
Votes :
3 – Pauly. Lost count of the punctures. Held his nerve when a punter told him he had a flat tyre.
2 – The Mayor. For the comment “That’s good” and the act and continuing story that went with it.
1 – Wiz . Poo’ed his pants at Hell’s Kitchen. He doesn’t like dark things since his move to the Gold Coast

21-9-13 The Boulevard

“Pauly got bored with dodging runners…a quick smashfest”

Long lost legend Brendonovitch turned up for a couple of laps around The Boulevard with KY, Pauly, Jules and Jason C.
A bit of clearing of the lungs up Yarra and the School, finishing with a visit to Hell’s Kitchen for wizz fizz cakes.

Another Team C-Nut law to be passed, never drink coffee where other cycling poons are sitting.  

Anyone second that?
Votes :

3 – Brendonovitch. Something about parties and a certain citrus fruit nearly made the rest of the crew vomit.

2 – Jules. For his new found love – “Hell’s Kitchen”.
1 – Jason C . For being able to motor up the steep climbs, and ordering “jungle juice”.

21-9-13 The Boulevard

“Pauly got bored with dodging runners…a quick smashfest”

Long lost legend Brendonovitch turned up for a couple of laps around The Boulevard with KY, Pauly, Jules and Jason C.
A bit of clearing of the lungs up Yarra and the School, finishing with a visit to Hell’s Kitchen for wizz fizz cakes.

Another Team C-Nut law to be passed, never drink coffee where other cycling poons are sitting.  

Anyone second that?
Votes :

3 – Brendonovitch. Something about parties and a certain citrus fruit nearly made the rest of the crew vomit.

2 – Jules. For his new found love – “Hell’s Kitchen”.
1 – Jason C . For being able to motor up the steep climbs, and ordering “jungle juice”.

Ride Report of 14-9-13

“Wizza in full training for the Ironman, with Pauly and Jules assisting”

Perfect conditions for THE WIZZA RIDE to Mordy with Wiz himself, KY, Jason C, Vista, Pauly and Rust Jewells.
Wizza, with no hair from the neck down, cruised in front, with a few efforts from others. Generally the crew kept together,
with the knowledge there was a one dim sim limit at South Melbourne Market and that there was some decent coffee.
During the ride Wiz met his Asian counterpart (with WIZ carbon wheels), with Aussie Wiz giving Asian Wiz a verbal for his
go slow back to Port Melbourne. All in jest of course!
The ride finished with a cleansing Carlton Draught in Brunswick. Rate it!
Votes :
3 – Vista For scratching of a certain body area, and explaining the enjoyment in it. Also for the baggy shorts – time to go.
2 – Pauly “They built the pyramids quicker than that wheel!”
1 – Jason C Slept in, could not find us until Mentone, tried to break up the crew on one of the hills then exploded, and no dim sim!

10-8-13 The Boulevard

The ride – Another flat!!!


Julian 3 for 3 flat tyres!!!!
David Two for asking where gastroc muscles are … Doctor my arse
One to Russ going all Euro with no helmet!

Also one vote for Stevie for the headphones………..and ignoring everyone because of them!

Special mention Joey for speaking Chinese in China town at top if his voice. That’s a vote for sure!!

Mayor has spoken and voted!

Ride Report 4-8-13

Magpies love the blinger than bling!

Magpie report: on Sunday headed to Wildwood, minding my own business in the safety of a cold August morning when a wicked magpie launched an unsolicited attack just after the bid dipper & close to the fire station. The firey suckling on a dart had a good laugh. Prick. I escaped but no more aware. Aghast 10km on a 2nd attack, grabbed my drink bottle & attempted water torture & then realized it didn’t work & I was out if water with 25 kms to go. Luckily no serious injury but beware brothers they’re out early & it ain’t even spring yet!

27-7-13 Yes Beach Road

Beach Road Knob Ride

Votes :-

3 – Julian : Hanging shot on Campag boys after crew dragged his sorry ass back from Black Rock

2 – Rob Poulter : Turning just after Black Rock but not before smashing the crew at 45 kmh with a sore knee!

1 – The Mayor – Nearly pushing Julian off his bike before setting off. Mayor gets credit for votes for best cafe experience for Joey and Jules.

Joey special mention for almost white knicks……..

Melburn Roobaix

“Yeah, hard nuts at First Pour”

Evidently nearly a  complete lap was ridden. That’s pushing it.

Votes :

3 – The Captain – for the discussion on a certain forbidden topic.

2 – Jason E – rode from Lilydale, that’s having a dip!

1 – Julian – near Vomitron up Yarra Street

Dirty Boys in May

While some were galavanting around California trying to be pros Pauly, Archie and The Corbett were going feral around Melbourne.

Highlights – Pauly, Archie and The Corbett completing the Dirty Gran Fondo

Archie winning his age group at the 6 hour at Forrest See 40+ results

Pauly and Archie competing at the Whittlesea Cyclocross event with Archie running second due to a puncture, and someone in the crowd handing him his Enve wheel. See Masters results

Archie being the only non bearded and non tattoo’d man at polo.

Votes :

3 – Archie – only person eligible for the “Podium Crew”

2 – Pauly –  loving dirt……..and now ballet

1 – Corbett – who is he, where is he, why does he barrack for the Hawks?

Ride Report April 20

“Pauly in his natural habitat – whereabouts unknown and feral” 20-4-13

Feral rednecks :

Pauly and KY joined together for some ‘urban mountain biking’ along the river from Essendon to Brimbank. Highly enjoyable. Included creek crossings, river crossings, single track, 4 wheels drive hacked tracks, kangaroos and getting lost. a rare outing for the Norco and as usual handling all thrown at it. Pauly was in his element. Plenty of shoes out there. Assume the dead bodies have long gone!

Road trippers :

A beautiful Saturday morning, heading to Panton Hill, The Captain, Joey, Stevie, Russman, Julian and fast crew members KT and Clarkey. Steady riding, competent hill climbing and 92 km’s round trip made for a great training ride pre California. KT and Clarkey uncomfortable with the slower pace but left with Joey at Panton Hill to smash it on the way home. Stevie and the Russman led Julian and the Captain back at a steady pace to Brunswick for coffee and fruit toast at St. Ali North. Great ride, great weather, great teamwork! Thanks Stevie!


  1. KT. Stop the bullshit about having to get home by a certain time and admit it’s because the others a too slow for your usual smashfest!
  2. Joey. See above reason.
  3. Russman. Berating Steve and the waiter at St Ali because it wasn’t licensed and he couldn’t get a beer! It was 10 o’clock in the morning for f*cks sake!!

Ride Report April 13

“Bike trackin’ Moonee Ponds Creek”

The Mayor, Julian, The Captain and KY bike tracked it all the way to Kew Boulevard to make a few discoveries there. KT and Joe both ‘poofed’ out on their trip to Kinglake because of this wind and we all later caught up with The Corbett. 3 laps with all the trimmings (for the most) with KT doing a double Yarra Street trip. Supposedly Sam was also out there but not sighted by all. A nice 85km ride all up with coffees and banana bread at “First Pour”, some registering for Melburn Roobaix and it was then The Corbett who lead the way back through the city, bike trackin’ of course. Beers for some carbs to finish off the ride at Club Young.

Votes :

3 – KT – for showing complete lack of understanding of the RULEs (must stop at bottom of Yarra Street and School hill for maximum pain), explaining that every ride must be painfull, getting taken on by a single speeder of Yarra, not allowing him to ‘win’ and for not drinking a beer after the ride with the crew.

2 – The Corbett – for the high socks

1 – The Captain – for the soft option of waiving off Yarra Street