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Ride Report 12

Weekend March 23-25

Ride Report November 24

“Yeah, he ran sixth in the Olympics”

KY, KT, Rob, Joe, Pina, Pauly and Julian rose early to get to Frankston and back. Julian somehow thought he could get to Frankston and back on his 3rd ride with no food. Rob turned back early but Julian exploded with Pauly nursing him back to Moonee Ponds. It was a long way back with KT crushing all of us, except for the wheelchair athlete who did not think we were fast enough as we were swapping turns.

Votes :

3 – KT – for the crushing

2 – Julian – fair over estimation of fitness

1 – Pauly – for the love

Ride Report November 17

The Focus Boys were will looked after by Jade

Pauly, KY, The Mayor and Julian once again teamed up for a ride around Keilor and Brimbank. It was nice to see Julian hit the tarmac at low speed as opposed to high speed and it was nearly, but not quite, as hysterical as The Captain’s coming off earlier in the year. While The Mayor and Julian had to turn around early KY and Pauly tested their Focus’s on Feathertop, Brimbank and the secret Quarry hills.

A nice coffee in Essendon with vanilla slice and muffin, and it was the end of a nice 70km jaunt.

Joe and his fast crew evidently smashed their way to King Lake, and once again were too shit frightened to mix it with the bongoes and knitted jumpers for the best chai in the world.

Votes :

3 – Julian – refused to wait on the ground for the obligatory photo.

2 – The Mayor – stop turning early.

1 – Joe – no chai means no intestional fortitude

Ride Report November 10

Julian still suffering the effects of the near vomit on Yarra Street

Pauly, KY, The Mayor and new rider Julian decided a liitle rain was not enough to stop them riding to the Boulevard. A good introduction for our slow pace and of course, all new riders need to tackle Yarra Street.While KY and Pauly were coming down they noticed Julian hunched over his bike at the round a bout. That was it for him. Nearly a spew but he held it in, but could not go any further! The Mayor had to nurse Julian home, while KY and Pauly kept going for some light lung busting. Coffee was consumed at Club Archer. Archie has been a little crook lately and no doubt will be better soon to smash us.

Votes :

3 – Julian – did his best but could not get past the Yarra Street round a bout. In CNUT tradition – SOFT!

2 – Archie – a great MTB story where he busted his derailer and walked would you believe! While he was SICK as well!

1 – Pauly – for the wool.

Ride Report October 20

The Mayor, Jason, The Captain, KY, Joey and for a short time Archie cruised the Kew Boulevard for a few laps. Some did more than others, some smashed, some got smashed.

Votes :

3 – The Mayor – another dodgy cafe

2 – The Captain – that ‘look’ was spotted again on one of the climbs – The Terminator

1 – Archie – happy 40th and his shortest ride ever.

Ride Report of October 13

“Joe on the DOGMA – now favourite to take on Supa for the “Bling award”

Saturday – a gentle cruise to Mordy with Joe, KY and the Mayor, together with the return of Fast Crew members PC and Rob, and also Crusty Mark and The Captain made a return.

With the breeeze it was a beautiful thing. Somehow The Captain and The Mayor took to the front, maybe to look good riding past Cafe Racer, but once Joey on his formula one Dogma and Rob got to the front The Captains innards were trying to get out in the open air. The Mayor looked after him at Black Rock, while PC and ROB turned, and it was left to Joey, KY and Mark to battle the poons to Mordy. A quick turn around to resume the battle with plenty of poonarge with Joey doing the bulk of the work into the wind, sorting out all hangers on. Donuts were cold, coffee at it’s ordinariness best at Eurpoa. The Captain and The Mayor snorted theirs before the others arrived. A pretty standard Beach Road ride, a few people yelling what to do and not to do, a few people taking the whole road, and a few riding past us smashing it, only to be shelved 5 minutes later as we passed them!

Votes :

3 – Joe – the self trimming Super Record EPS on the Dogma trimmed itself off the front chainring. Joe – “Thought that was never supposed to happen”

2 – Mark – said to KY “you’ve smashed me”. Guaranteed those words will never be said again!

1 – The Captain – yep, had a go, a real red hot go, BUT EXPLODED!

Rutherglen October 6

“It’s Traditional”

Wet, wet, wet – a quick ride with the locals before extreme conditions set in. Pauly only had the mountain bike so rode with the locals and rturned off into the forest. Pina (known to the locals as “The Spartan”) complained about his back, the locals listened, CNUT’s ignored it, Piffy rode manfully on his single speed, KY listened to the stories of wife swapping in Rutherglen, and Archie revved up his heart muscle to 250 bpm to win the sprint from the front. Yes, that is correct – 250bpm! The Captain was more concerned how much fat was on the bacon while The Mayor was “Dad of the weekend”.

It was the 1st “no winery ride” day after at least 15 years of going to Rutherglen. A few rode – this was the outcome (fair wet weather gear)

Otherwise another great weekend and thanks to Wendy for the organising from our cycling crew. BBQ’s, beers, $4 muscats, betting, open neck shirts – the weekend had it all!

A great tradition – including the southing of Walnut Red Shooters at Chambers. Sorry it was Walnut Muscat this time.

Votes :

3 – The Captain – for reinforcing that he is a bogan despite wearing clothing that added up to well over 1000 euro.

2 – Archie – for not allowing the locals to get close.

1 – Pina, KY, Piffy, The Mayor – for being sensible most of the time.

Grand Final Ride - Black Rock

“The Alaskan jacket in full flight!”

Joey, KY, The Mayor, Pauly and Wiz took the soft option and journeyed to Black Rock. KY and The Mayor were nursing massive hangovers but there was no need to pedal on the way down with a huge tail wind. Nice nice toast in Black Rock (The Mayor was so crook he could not eat it!) and it was a smashfest on the return journey. FARKIN WIND was horrific as Joe and KY tried to keep it at 30kmh. As per Beach road this does not satisy all and ‘the old light trick’ was performed near Elwood. No one even acknowledged the work at the front – as usual from Beach Road Poons. Only 60km but the wind made it feel tougher – or was it the 15 scooners the night before?

Later that day Pauly & KY rode to the Napier for a bogan burger and then to the Labour in Vain to watch the Grand Final. The Grining, Pina and daughter Mia turned up. Corbett bravely turned up after the game to take on everyone, in his favourite pink shirt. The result – Pauly the true blood very happy, Corbett ANGRIEST person in Melbourne and Pina enjoying some Special K. (another story to that). Enjoyable day mixing it with big beards, football loving lesbians and Hawthorn wankers drinking red wine.Went back to the Napier to get the bikes for a couple of beers and Corbett refused service. Why? The pink shirt. Interesting ride home for KY and Pauly after gallons of beer and one cider (nearly rode the vomitron).

Votes :

3 – Pauly – for keeping the excitement inside. Great win.

2 – Corbett – for taking the loss it on the chin, and then getting ANGRY. He called the Swans FARKIN CxxNTS. It’s not their fault, it’s Buddy’s.

1 – Pina – for the comment “they will come to me”. And they did

Ride Report of September 22

“Somehow an Olympic relay torch turned up at the Gold Coast.”

Wiz took KY to some hill called Springbrook on the Gold Coast after more than a few bevvies the night before. 95kms of dryness. One decent hill but beautiful conditions. A good warm up before his Olympic distance tri the next day.

Votes :

3 – Wiz – for sprinting past the killer magpie so that it attacked KY.

2 – KY – made it riding Wizza’s bike, numb fingers, sore knees, sore pelvis.

1 – The Captain – for enlarging girth in Italy 

Ride Report of September 15

“New rider, Frank. Hopefully not too disturbed after the first ride!”

A nice ride including KY, Pauly, The Mayor, Joe, Jason & Pina with potential new member, Franky, to Mordi for some donuts and Mayor pain. Fair look when I told him we are going down Lorimer. Perfect conditions, no pain but donuts were cold, and coffee colder. May need to reassess coffee option.

Votes :

3 – Joe – for terrorizing a young female tri athlete. She kept passing us on the flat but couldn’t ride up hills. Joe called a ‘wheel sucker’.

2 – Pina – turned early for better option……a female

1 – The Mayor – the look

Ride Report of September 8

The return of Pina, KY, Pauly, The Mayor joined forces the the 2nd Wizza ride on his visit from the Gold Coast.

Wizza assumed he has acclimatised to queensland weather and wore an Alaskan deep sea fishing vest he must have bought before he started Ironman training. A pleasant ride along the Maribyrnong River to Williamstown and not quite to Altona as the crossing was flooded due to the incoming tide. The Mayor took part of it on and now needs a new Italian bottom bracket. Altona locals just rode through it, barefooted, as Pina made the call for coffee. Pina decided Yarraville as he wanted to male couples to check out middle aged blokes in lycra. A couple of White Rabbit ales were consumed along with coffee and heavily buttered apricot bread, served by a heavily tatted female with dark glasses. Pina has decided that’s the look he is after. The ride back with the wind was easy, past the polystyrene monument and to Fuel Cafe in Moonee Ponds. A nice ride.

Votes :

3 – Wizza – The Vest

2 – The Mayor – What a pity you didn’t go down

1 – Pina – for the return

Ride Report of August 24

Plum it

Saturday – KY, Jason, Supa and Chris ventured to Mordy on a crisp and windy morning. All was going to plan, no pedalling required with the tail wind, the crew lead from the front and avoided big groups on the way there. On the way back KY tried to keep the crew away from any group by leading from the front but eventually it got too much as 7kms into the wind nailed him. The twin “Zero RH+” boys Chris and Supa could not resist as Hawthorn Cycling Club rode past so we all joined in. Poon city it was! The speed was over 40kmh in a group that was all over the place. KY decided to drop to last only to discover another 30 had joined in. Memories of Joe’s spill were there as Jason was spat off the back. The only good thing about the group was the WOOD BIKE. What a masterpiece! It was then plum time with some less than ordinary coffee. This was made up for by the sites of Acland Street.

Sunday – The Corbett and Archie raced the cyclocross. Suppose they have to use those bikes in everyone of the 4 races that exist. Heard nuthin’ on how they went.

3 – Chris – in a bit of form, just don’t join in with Poon groups

2 – Supa – see Chris’s votes

1 – Jason – where the fxxx did he get to?

4-8-12 The Boulevard

“KY settling himself with a mulled wine after the morning’s hilarity” – Some shoeshop in Carlton

It was KY, The Captain, Jason, The Mayor and Pauly who talked each other into riding The Boulevard on a wet Saturday morning. A fairly standard ‘ride with the lot’ including the school hill and Yarra Street. The Mayor has to leave early to complete his ‘cross training’ so that he can be on next year’s start line for the Melbourne Marathon, and he missed what was about to occur. The Captain, as expected, made the call to finish the ride early, but not before KY oredered him to go up Yarra Street one last time. For some reason he took off and went for an early run up the hill. However, he did not wipe enough speed off to make the turn into Yarra Street on the wet surface, and went straight, skidding into the gutter, and doing a ‘Superman’ over the bars, luckily landing on some soft grass. Pauly & KY could not believe their eyes, and could not contain themselves. A group of riders immediately behind rode past and were highly impressed with what had just occurred, and highly impressed with KY and Pauly’s reaction! The result – a busted $360 helmet, a tube protruding schwable and pride severely hurt. It was a no photo zone. (There were a few – see 2012 pics). The crew were able to make it to one of Pauly’s cafes (formerly an italian shoe shop) with KY enjoying a microwaved mull wine.

Votes :

3 – The Captain – absolutely HILARIOUS (could have been worse though – lucky)

2 – Jason – was given the opportunity to pick a cafe, but got us all lost.

1 – The Mayor – for ‘cross training’ – WTF?

Wizza Ride 28-7-12

“How good is this, The Captain on the way to ordering 15 South Melbourne Dim Sims. In hindsight – an over order”

Saturday – “The Wizza Ride”

It was the return of Wizza from the Gold Coast (with KY, The Mayor, The Captain, Pauly and Jason) in perfect conditions for someone coming from heat, FREEZING AND WET. It was also the return of :

1. A Beach Road ride (did not disappoint. The Captain and The Mayor turned around at Black Rock to continue their Neanderthal grunting conversation, while Wizza, KY, Jason & Pauly continued to Mordy. Their was a huge explosion as Jason had his turn at the front. Some poons were arguing in the peleton as Pauly tried to calm things down. KY decided the best place was to be at the front as he sorted someone out who was taking him on. Jason’s explosion caused him to drop off but for some reason continued past Mordy. 4 phone calls later and he realised we were not there. Wizza made the comment ‘no more racing’ as we sauntered back to Acland Street much to the disgust of The Captain and The Mayor who were freezing, but admiring the Polish scenery.

2. Polish Donuts – they were cold, but served by some Eastern European quality which we have come to expect.

3. South Melbourne Dim Sims – after Pauly headed home, the 5 left consumed 15 dimmies. 3 massive dimmies were great, but with 15kms to get home the taste of the burps were slight funky.

4. Pellegrinis – strudel was considered but not consumed. The coffee was top notch, but a little strong for the skinny cappa man, Wizza, who is now used to franchise coffee places only.

5. Beers at Club Young – a nice finish to the ride. If KY had a spa it would have been perfect but the beer finally put an end to the reconstituted dimmy taste.

It was great to catch up with Wizza again and if anyone is on the Gold Coast, he would welcome freeloading. He has a no undie policy though (for himself). You are warned.

Votes :

3 – Jason (could have taken over from Jason Ellis) – turned up late due to the fact he turned his phone off while Essendon were getting shat on (so not to receive messages), and therefore had no alarm. Also for exploding, losing the group, and nearly getting to Frankston.

2 – The Captain – way too excited with the dimmy order. New policy, under order and then buy another if required.

1 – Wizza – great to see you back and great to hear you say “I’M ROOTED!”

Ride Report of July 7

“KY now needs to work to pay for trips to the snow.”

Some were at the snow, some were in the sun, very few were on the bike.

Archie, Kylie, Piffy and KY’s family were enjoying the sunny slopes of Buller while The Mayor was exposing his top half at Coolum with the family.

Pauly got dirty in the excellent MTB trails at Anglesea.

The Corbett once again tried to bust himself around Kinglake.

Votes –

3 – Piffy – after 3 wines, after a full day’s skiing, skiied back to to his car via the Home Trail in the dark because there were too many waiting fr the bus! Could have, and should have, been on the news the next day as missing in action. INTELLIGENCE!

2 – Archie – for skiing down a closed run, only for the ski patrol to nab them (Piffy as well) on their ski-doo. Free ski-doo trip! More than a little embarressing  for someone that doesn’t like to be embarressed!

1 – Kylie – for going down the closed run first, and being many levels of skill above Archie on the slopes.

1 – Pauly – for his feralness in the bush

Ride Report of June 30

“Three Bags Full – Yeah, nice fruit toast.”

Saturday – KY caught up with Archie, and later The Captain at The Boulevard. The Captain arrived after 2 punctures, and broken gear lever. Archie sorted KY out and back to Three Bags Full to drink luke warm coffee and freezing while doing it. They also don’t understand the order “same all round again”. French toast is not fruit toast!

Joe rode down to Frankston to top up his training for Italy. some poon rode in front of him at 40 kmh and Joe went down like a sack of turd. He would have got angry (as he does with all his stacks!) but no broken bones.  A lucky one on Beach Road – his message – stay in your own group as to avoid the muppets.

Not sure who else rode.

Votes :

3 – Joe – for surviving a TDF like stack

2 – The Captain – that bike is telling you something – UPGRADE

1 – Archie – for missing his 150km group ride, and then thinking KY was at their same level.

Freeza Rooter / Roobaix Weekend

The ‘Freeza Rooter’ weekend was a tough one but it was great to catch up with our South aussies mates in different territory.

The rooters that joined us were their leader, Ryno, together with Craig, James, Bill, Heardy and Thommo.

Friday – Pauly, KY and  Crusty Mark joined the Rooters for a planned ride to Mordy. Nope, did not make it. The weather was terrible and the rooters could only last to Brighton for a coffee, then it was onto Black Rock. With the smell of South Melbourne dimmies and a strong tailwind we made it to the market. It was supposed to be 2 dimmies per person but somehow Ryno scoffed 3.5. No dimmies in Adelaide so everyone enjoyed them. Across the city to Lygon Street and it was beer and pizza – a beautiful thing. It pissed down and a few wanted to pull the pin. No – Kew Boulevard had to be experienced and one with the lot was endured (Yarra Street, School Hill). Back around the river and it was 93kms over with. A good warm up for the next day’s ride.    Later that night a few beers were had in Brunswick Street, service was refused in the Labour and Vain (something about not wearing check shirts), some dodgy vodka and it was home for an early wake up.

Saturday – Loverboy Rob, Ewen, The Mayor, and Piffy mid ride joined the crew for Archie’s assault on St Andrews. Thanks to Archie and Kylie for working out the route, although there was plenty of pain. No coffe stops, just steep gradients and bloddy cold in some sections. It was difficult to keep together especially with archie 100m in front the whole way. Finally arriving at St Andrews to the sound of bongos after a request by The Corbett, numerous breakfast pizzas were smashed with plenty of coffee. A few went to the chai tent, and a few left without trying it as they were concerned about the state of the cushions! Ryno confirmed it “best tea he ever had! after some male lovin’ at the tent Ryno decided to pull the pin. The Mayor also decided to give Ryno some company also. Lucky Pina was there for the lift. It was a tough ride back to Melbourne. Bill was stuffing Zulu cramp stop tablets into his gob and Pauly was getting angry. Archie was in cuise control. The Rooters were in fine form. somehow we all got back to Fed Square and Ewen and KY finished it off at Pellegrinis. 139kms of enjoyable pain. Beers and fodder were later consumed at The Union Hotel in Brunswick.

Sunday – A big crew at The Roobaix. Usual mayhem. A highlight was the single track Archie took us through, the loss of control on the bridge, and Ryno losing his chain on the Koppenberg. Could not stick together but we all would up at The Great Northern for lunch. A few beers at Club Young in Moonee Ponds and it was all over once again. Another great day put together by Andy and his crew.

A big weekend of riding (for us) and it was a pleasure riding the the South Aussie lads.

Votes :

3 – Ryno – for the continual complaining.

2 – Archie – for dishing out the pain

1 – The rest of The Rooters – for not complaining.

Weekend March 23-25

For The Captain – you don’t get this inside a car for 14 hours or inside a gallery looking at paintings you see in European Op Shops.

Friday – Paul, KY and later Supa enjoyed some riding on the Anglesea single track. KY crashed on some kindling at 1kmh climbing 25 per cent hurting his wrist. Pauly was as smooth as ever but he also nearly fell in the mud. Supa got lost in the forest somewhere with Pauly finding him miles away where he should have been. Supa made up for it by cooking dinner for the crew mixing the cultures of Morocco and Italy with his spaghetti and spicy meatballs. Beer, wine and Jack Daniels was enjoyed by all, some having more than others by venturing to the pub for their preparation for the Otway Classic the next day.

Saturday – Tanya, Rob, KY, Supa, Wokka, Vista, Wizza and The Mayor woke up with the sound of KY’s didgeridoo and scoffed some breakfast (Le Rice included) for the ride around the Otways. A little later than usual meant that the crew got caught up with muppet traffic and they battled to get into a decent group. Supa (aka Stevie) was determined to find the right group and was always ahead in the middle of a bunch while the others tried to get clear. The Mayor had to turn off early and was probably glad to get out of the muppet brigade. Wiz was battling with SRAM and nearly casued a massive accident in the 200 plus group by crunching the gears and going backwards on an incline. KY was looking forward to hearing “My Life” at Dean’s Marsh and by coincidence the piano man was playing it as he arrived. There was no lying down here as Vista was revving the local raffle ticket sellers up. He questioned some shoewear (golashes) and was then given a verbal back about how we waltz in and piss everywhere! It was everyman for themselves up Dean’s with KY spotting some bloke trying to chat up Tanya. Supa and KY stopped for a photo shoot with the Devils before KY had a decent crack up the hill. Some woman accused KY of trying to spray her. He got confused what this meant and got away from her quick! It was cold on top of Benwarrin so there was little waiting on the summit. Supa got angry on the downhill when KY passed him and somehow turned into Jason Ellis taking on riders in the right hand side of the road. An ambulance picking up an injured rider slowed down the mayhem. Coffee and Thai sausage rolls (just normal sausage rolls served with sweet chilli sauce!) were consumed in Lorne before a slight smashfest back to Airey’s where some local brew was enjoyed. A couple of ravings took a shine to Wiz strutting around in his baggy bummed Skins. From Aireys Wiz finally worked out how to work SRAM and settled into a decent clip arriving at Anglesea. We all were gorn but it was a 19 per cent hill left for some. We were officially rooted after this. All finished together and it was another great day around the Otways.On arrival Vista started on the black cans and then fired up the bbq. More amber stuff, and off to the pub. We met Ross there and it was too many beers for some, mixed with Pizza. Wokka survived better than most years and only had a slight tomato blush. Vista and KY were left at the pub with local legend Richo, and with 3 bourbons and 3 beers in the last hour, got out of there. Unfortunately for Vista the Fart Room was ‘un-enterable’ on arrival with Wizza sleeping through the high level of methane.

This was it

Votes :

3 – Supa – smashed the ride, in some form. Nice meatballs as well.

2 – Vista – for trying to sort out the locals in Dean’s Marsh and Anglesea, and barely surviving.

1 – All others on the ride. All had a dip on and off the bike!

Ride Report of March 17 & 18

“Yeah, a nice view but very ordinary dried up toast, again (is that the norm?)” – Docklands

Saturday – KY, The Mayor, Jason, Pauly, Supa & new rider Alex enjoyed the flat ride to Mordy. The Mayor started by running over his $200 Oakley’s and didn’t bother to pick them up.  The crew stayed in their own group refusing to join in with other muppets despite Supa’s insistence to go with other groups. All had a dip at the front, some longer than others. Young Alex’s legs were getting ‘sore’ (recovering from a broken leg from speed skating) so The Mayor looked after him and they turned at Mordy. KY had a chat with a female tri athlete on the way to Carrum, she backed off immediately and was never seen again. Doesn’t know what he said! A turn around and a quick stop at Mordy. Was not a smashfest on the way back. Coffee and buttered cardboard (without honey to The Mayor’s disgust) at Docklands. 2 well earned beers were consumed at Club Young by KY, Jason and The Mayor. Nice weather, nice ride. 92kms all up.

Votes :

3 – The Mayor – for smashing the Oakleys

2 – Jason – for the near stack in Port Melbourne

1 – Supa – for continually joining in fast groups, only to wait because of other’s refusal.

Others :

KT was up the high country, Joe was mixing with the grid girls at the GP, The Captain was filling his shopping trolley with celery sticks at the market, others don’t know.

Ride Report of March 10,11 & 12

“Yes KY also completed this, with a little brown action” – Anglesea 12-3-12

Saturday –

KY, KT, Supa, Brendo, Mark, new rider Jason & later The Captain took a stroll around the Boulevard. Jason was introduced to Yarra Street a few times with KT & Mark not getting close to their maximum heart rate on the little climbs. The Captain rocked up a little later with his copper bike “The Plumber” for half a lap! This was the ride Coffee at Pellegrinis where it was discovered KT had not been there at any point in his life! WTF?

The Mayor visited Wiz on the Gold Coast and apart from wearing loud shirts, swimming and drinking coronas at speed, they did a 90km ride with a 1 hour 30 minute climb to Springbrook included.

Sunday –

KY did a recon’ ride for the Otway Classic. There were a few dangerous holes and rocks along the way back from Lorne but otherwise it doesn’t get much better than this

Monday –

Pauly was teaching KY to stay upright on the MTB at Anglesea. Not that KY saw Pauly much! A highly enjoyable ride followed by a swim in the surf and then beers on the Anglesea Lifesaving Club balcony. That’s life!!

While all this was going on Archie did the 3 peaks in the Victorian Alps – SEE HIS REPORT IN “Epic Rides” 3 BIG VOTES TO ARCHIE

The Eastern Chapter From Piffy :

Friday: Stuffed up my lower back & could hardly walk. I probably deserve 1 Vote for failing to notify you of my no-show at the Boulevard on Saturday.


Saturday: Chopped up a tree. Strange therapy for a “saw” back..


Sunday: Walked 16km of the Warburton Trail with Cath. Back somehow feeling better


Monday: Dandys ride with Supa. 1/20 time trial results:

Supa:     22:20     Smokin’.  Was told to slow down after blasting past other poons.

Piff:        24:00     Back fully cured

Brendo: No show. “Too much stuff to do”.  1 Vote